A Point of Personal Pride

Tasty Tidbit #1: I Hope the Beer You’re Drinking is Green!!

            Good Evening, everyone!  I bet you thought I forgot about ‘Ritas and Rants, never!  May you be blessed tonight with strong green beer, lots of Irish lovin’, and a pinch if you’re not wearing green.  Get into the spirit and have one for me!  May you also be blessed with a designated driver who doesn’t mind carting you home.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

A Point of Personal Pride

            So tonight’s ‘Ritas and Rants was one step off from being cancelled.  Well, maybe not cancelled, but certainly put on the shelf, with a, to be continued label on it.  I wrote out this evening’s blog, this evening. The last couple of weeks I have written the blogs ahead of time, but somehow this week got to Thursday, while I was still on Monday.  I woke up this morning thinking it was Friday, then panicked thinking I missed Thursday altogether and missed posting my blog.  My cellphone corrected me on what day it was, but knowing it was Thursday and I had no blog, did not do a whole lot to cheer me up.  I spent most of today, avoiding writing.  I went grocery shopping (though with great reluctance), played FreeCell, even did homework (gasp).  Around six I decided it was time to start dinner, and start writing, whatever was holding me back could be overcome once I got my butt to the computer and got my fingers moving.  Well it was a good theory.

            Technically, it worked.  I wrote out a blog that would have been this evening’s except for one problem.  I didn’t like it.  The blog sounded like some whiney baby had gotten a hold of my computer and proceeded to wallow in a pool of stinking self-pity for a thousand words.  Not to mention I was completely unable to wrap it up.  I had gone so far off course from where the blog had begun, that I was try to make a U-turn from hell to get back to the point.  Frustrated, I read the blog to Teresa.  I don’t like sharing the blogs beforehand.  I don’t know why, I just like it to be a surprise; I like it to be fresh.  I know, I’m weird.  Anyway, I read it to her and I could see some reluctance on her face.  I knew she didn’t not like it (oh, double negative there, nice), but there was something off.  First and most obvious was the way I had veered into left field or into another ballpark even.  Second, was the tone of the piece. It just didn’t sound like me.  Well it did, because I wrote it, but it wasn’t the tone that I wanted to present to people.

            Teresa asked me what I could change so that I would be happy with the blog.  I told her that if I was going to change it, I was going to toss it.  I was tired and frustrated, not really wanting to start over, yet not knowing how to end it either.  Teresa suggested that I file an extension on the blog.  Simply state that I would write it tomorrow.  The idea had merit and I admit that I was ready to agree to put the blog off for another day.  Friends are great for talking you out of and into things.  In this case Teresa managed both.  As we continued talking, Teresa reminded me that this blog was about, and for me.  Who cared what anyone else thought?  Good points all around.  I could feel myself relaxing into the idea of going home, exercising and then going to bed.  Yeah, no green beer for me L. 

            As I got into my new sexy Jeep, man I love that thing, thank you Mardi for the reading/advice about my new baby, you’re awesome, I started thinking about what Teresa had said.  My mind kept coming back to her point that I was writing this blog for me.  For me to practice writing, for me to have an outlet.  When I got home, I went back through my journal where I had originally written down my ideas for this blog.  There was nothing there talking about other people; everything I said was wrapped around this blog being an expression of and for me.  So why was that statement bugging me?  Was I still looking for the gold star, the pat on the back or the compliment?  Probably.  I decided that exercise was the solution to clear the muddy waters of my mind.  As I worked out, I started thinking that I had two simple choices, write the blog or don’t. 

            Writing the blog tonight meant starting from scratch.  It also meant getting back in my sexy Jeep and driving back to work to post it, since I don’t have internet at my house (a problem that will be solved tomorrow morning, thank you God!).  Not posting the blog meant getting to bed at a decent hour.  As I was making these rather extensive lists of pros and cons in my head, another thought snuck in.  By not doing the blog, I was giving up. I had made the choice to put everything else, including FreeCell and homework, in front of something that I care deeply about.  I was making a conscious choice to not follow through on what I loved.  I must admit, the taste of that thought was not a pleasant one.  I thought about writing my blog and dragging my butt back to work to post it.  When I thought that, I could feel a pulse of energy move through me.  By the time I was finished working out I knew that I would be back at the shop in no time typing out my blog and posting it.

            For me, posting the blog is not just about fulfilling a commitment to myself, it’s a point of personal pride.  It’s finding my center and sticking to it, no matter what I have to do.  It’s is declaring that this is important to me in ways and words that I cannot begin to describe.  That no matter what happens, this I will do.  Even as I type the words, I smile at myself for thinking even for a moment about filing an extension. I could find no greater joy at this moment than knowing that I have fulfilled my commitment to myself.  That I have taken the time to do what I love, and I love myself for doing it.