Friday, May 13, 2011

Finally the Truth

For those of you who might be curious once you reach the end of this week’s blog, yes I had my husband read it before hand. Now that I've piqued your curiosity, enjoy!

Tasty Tidbit #1:  Busy with Other Things

            So, I’m supposed to be typing out this week’s blog, but I find myself busy with other things.  For a change I’m not distracted by the usual things, like housework or a general fear of writing, instead I am distracted by writing itself.  I had tried to take a short nap when I got home from work, (my husband’s sleep schedule is still crazy due to his recent deployment and return), but as I laid there a story kept playing through my head.  I got the idea while I was at work, but I hadn’t done much with it other than make a quick note to myself.  Now the story was in my mind and taking on a life of its own.  I knew better than to just lay there, if I did I would write the whole story in my head and it would never see the light of day or the page.  I have a tendency to write my stories beginning to end in my head and then when I go to write them down I can’t remember the wording that I used, or a scene and so I get frustrated and let the story go to idea heaven, where so many good ideas go.  Tonight, even though I felt I must type out the blog, I felt I must type out at least the intro to my idea.  It took me longer than I would have liked, I was starting to feel the time pinch, but I did manage to get the idea started and I have to admit I liked it.  So, here I am now fully present and ready to share with you this week’s adventure. 

Tasty Tidbit #2:  This Stuff Really Works (Or Was it Gravity?)

            I am currently a patron of the laundry mat.  I have to say it’s not as bad as I imagined it would be.  That might be because I go during the week and at 7 o’clock in the morning.  When I go, I get my washers started, then turn one of the chairs that next to a folding table and set myself up to write.  There is something a bit hypnotic about the sound the washers and dryers make, it puts me into a slight meditative state.  This week once I got my chair and my pen ready, then walked over to the drink machine to get myself a bottle of water.  I put in two dollars, got seventy-five cents back, and no water.  I heard the bottle drop and the sound of the bottle getting stuck.  I’ve been working on my go with the flow zen chi centeredness, so I calmly walked to the office door (after slamming my palm into the machine).  The manager lady was on the phone so the Universe decided that patience would be Sara’s lesson for today.  I sat down at the table and decided to write out my experience. I had just started to write when I remembered something a psychic/healer had told me.  She had said that you could Reiki anything, which much I knew, but she told me that you could Reiki things with your eyes.  You visualize one of the Reiki symbols on your eyes and then direct that energy at whatever you wish to Reiki.  I thought what the hell, as long as I don’t have to stand in the middle of the laundry mat with my hands on a soda machine why not try.  So I did.  I took a moment to center and visualize, then I looked over my shoulder at the machine and visualized the Reiki flowing from my eyes to the machine.  I visualized the bottle of water coming loose and dropping out the slot.  I did that for about thirty seconds, my neck was at a funny angle and I don’t have much of an attention span.  I went back to writing about the experience.  It was less than thirty seconds, I had written about two lines, in fact I was writing about remembering the Reiki eye trick, and I heard the bottle drop out of the machine.  I turned around to stare at it.  This shit really works, I thought!  The skeptic in me wonders if it was the Reiki or gravity?  I would prefer to think it was the power of the Universe, but then isn’t gravity the power of the Universe too?  Either way, I got my water. 

Tasty Tidbit #3: Feeling Needy

            I’m not really a touchy feely kind of person.  I prefer my space.  I’ll give hugs to those in my close inner circle, but rarely to those outside it, unless there is no way around it.  I don’t feel the need to cling to my husband or anything like that.  Today I felt a nagging neediness.  When I was at work I gravitated towards my friends.  They moved and I moved.  I was conscious of it, and didn’t like it, but it came from a need that I couldn’t quite explain.  The thought that kept going through my head was that I wanted to be by people.  I felt a need to be sheltered in a way by the proximity of my friends and family.  When I got home, I was tired, but I really wanted to snuggle up with my husband.  I have to admit that my pride got in the way of that, and I made myself go to bed without the benefit of human companionship.  I thought I was just being stupid.  However, as I write this I realize that I was mistreating myself by not allowing myself to follow through on my need and for belittling myself for it.  Just because I am not normally needy, doesn’t mean that I’m not human and don’t have moments when I need comfort just like the next person.  My need must have sprung up from somewhere, though where exactly has yet to be determined.  I just thought it would make an interesting tidbit and give me an opportunity to *hug* all of you.  After all you can’t hug someone without getting a hug in return.  I know makes you gag a little.  Get over it J

Finally the Truth:  AKA    The Perfect Relationship for Me

            I’ve been wanting to write this blog for awhile.  For every blog that makes it to posting there are two that did not.  For the most part they are written down in one of my many journals, or yellow notepads, or on my computer and filed under some random title.  Others, like this one, don’t see the page.  I write them out in my head and file them away in my brain, either to be forgotten or to stew.  This one stewed.  And stewed, and stewed, for months.  My reasons for not writing this blog, or more my reasons for not posting it is a short but important list of personal concerns.  At the top of the list is that it involves people who might not want to be mentioned and might not be over enthusiastic about what I had to say.  My point in creating this blog was to be able to share myself and my writing with others.  Though I am more than happy to protect the names of the not so innocent, I found myself very unhappy at the prospect of censoring myself.  I went as far as talking to Alton about the situation.  Though no particular advice was offered up, it did bring the subject straight to the surface.  I knew even as I wrote what I thought would be this week’s blog, that I would be writing this one.  The time for the truth had come. 
            Those in my close inner circle, which now includes all of you, knew that there are troubled waters on the marriage front.  Seven years, four deployments and God knows how much time apart was tearing at the fabric of marriage.  I have no intention of going into further details, though I need my audience to have a basic understanding so you can understand my action and the result. 
            As many of you know, and I might have mentioned in past posts, I am a big fan of vision boards.  I used a vision board when I was looking for a new vehicle with fast results and exceptional success.  I tend to put a statement or affirmation in the middle of my board.  For my Jeep I just put “The perfect new or used vehicle for me.”  That was it.  I like simple.  I figure the Universe knows exactly what I am looking for and can probably come up with something even better than what I can come up. So I put the intention and let the Universe work.  What I have to say next is difficult.  I would like to say that I put my new affirmation up in hope that it would save my marriage, but that would be a lie.  I put up my new affirmation in order to let the Universe do what it will.  If I was to stay with my husband fine, if not, so be it.  That might seem harsh, but that was not my intention.  My intention is never to harm, or to be cruel or hurtful, my intention was for peace and for the highest good of all in the relationship.  My affirmation was simple “The perfect relationship for me.”
            I had gone around and around about how to word the affirmation.  I had consulted with most of my friends on the matter and it always came back to the same thing.  What was perfect for me, would be perfect for whoever I was with, that was my intention.  Of course, I know that no relationship is without its flaws, but I figured that the Universe was smart enough to get the point.  So, I put my affirmation up and waited.  It took about two weeks, which is a long time in my world of creating.
            The Universe is funny.  No, I didn’t meet someone, nor did my marriage magically improve.  Instead, I had a rather profound realization.  The perfect relationship for me was the one I experience with myself.  I realized that as I create a perfect relationship with myself it allows others to share that experience with me.  When I am centered and balanced with myself, when I am comfortable with myself and love myself, I stop putting everything off on my friends and family.  It comes back to those expectations again.  This time for some reason it made so much sense to me.  I was (once again) looking outside myself, and to someone else to make my world a better place.  I was awestruck by the simplicity of the message I was receiving.  Get happy with yourself, create a true relationship with yourself and everything else will fall into place.  I realized that by accepting myself and standing in my personal power, I am centered and open, allowing new energy to enter into my life.  That which is perfect for me is perfect for those who I share myself with. 
            I had been so caught up in what was wrong with my marriage that I had forgotten what was good about it.  I had also got so trapped in drama that I forgot who I was, I forgot my center.  The more off center I became the worse the situation looked.  That of course is when the finger pointing and the blaming starts.  Suddenly that other person is responsible for all the wrongs in your world and you can’t remember when anything was right.  With my newly remembered insights in hand it was easier for me to come back to my center once again.  It made things a bit easier when my husband came home from deployment.  Things are not perfect, and there is a lot of healing that needs to take place on both sides.  I still slip and fall away from my center, drama can be so alluring, but it is easier now for me to remember that I am the creator of my world, and that at any time I can come back to my center.  I can’t tell the future but I do know this: that the relationship I truly seek is perfect harmony with myself. 

1 comment:

  1. Dear Woman, Are you in my head or what?! Thank you for your verbalizing skills....