Tonight is brought to you by: A Wildberry Mojito, A Large Glass of Tattoo Rum and Coke, and a piece of string cheese. Have fun!
Tasty Tidbit #1: Fridge Quotes
As my readers might have noticed I like to add quotes into my blogs. Sometimes funny, sometimes a bit more serious. Tonight’s quote section is actually from my fridge door. I have a bunch of those magnetic words that you put together to make different statements. Good times.
I believe in you
I will always love you
Chaos has truth
Serenity is balance and wisdom
Laugh, hope and heal
Saying Thank You
The past couple of weeks have not been a lot of fun for me. Although I do my best to keep this blog upbeat and focused on the good and positive, I find it important to recall that old adage, shit happens. For about a month shit has been happening, not snowballing necessarily, just one thing after another. Don’t worry we’ll get to the positive stuff a little later. First we get to paddle through the river of pooh, the one that will get us where we want to be rather than were we are. Let’s not even get into the “you’re exactly where you are supposed to be,” just yet.
Today a good friend reminded me that it’s all about perspective. Perspective is something that’s been missing for me for the duration of this little life test. I lost perspective, lost trust in myself, and basically lost myself. I’ve gone so far off my center that I don’t really remember what the center looks like or how to get back there. I stopped meditating, stopped eating healthy, stopped paying attention, and stopped listening. In other words I went totally human and forgot that I am a spiritual being. I forgot that I have help if I ask for it, and I forgot to pay attention to what the Universe was trying to show me. I was stumbling through the darkness, looking for something but I wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for.
Now I might have mentioned in previous blogs the fact that we learn primarily from what we tend to term “the bad stuff.” Many of those “bad” experiences carry some of life’s greatest lessons, if we are willing to learn. I might also have mentioned previously that the point is not just to experience the lesson and learn from it, but get to the point where we ask for the lesson. I guess saying, Bring it Universe, is pretty much the equivalent of asking for it. I asked and then forgot to listen. If I had listened I would have been prepared for the challenges that came up in my life this past month, I would have been able to handle them, but for some reason I decided to ignore the messages, that turned into outright warnings, that turned into, sucks to be you. Not that I think the Universe has it out for us, we do have it out for ourselves, and we do it so well too. At least I know I do.
I spent a year getting myself to the place where I wanted to be. I exercised, meditated, spent time writing, and began eating healthy, along with several other things. I stripped my life down and rebuilt it from the ground up. For months during this transformation whenever I or someone else would do a tarot card reading, one of two cards, and most of the time both, came up in a reading. The first was the Emperor. To me, and this is not an exclusive definition by any means, that card means foundation. The second card that kept coming up was, Death. That card usually freaks people out. Thanks to charlatans who like to tell people that they are going to die when this card comes up, or that someone they love is going to kick it. The death card, again in my opinion, is a sign of transformation. The old butterfly cliché comes into play here. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over…it became a butterfly.” I knew I was going through some heavy transitions so the card made sense to me. I was working on becoming the butterfly. To do so, I needed a strong foundation. So I worked to build just that. I guess a part of me wasn’t ready to take flight yet, because I find myself right back where I started, or at least close to that point.
I don’t know when the breakdown of my habits began. One moment I was putting organic in my mouth, the next I was putting as much as I could into my mouth. I stopped going to the gym. I backed down from my newly formed foundation because that foundation didn’t match with the people I loved. I bowed my head and said yes of course I’ll do it that way. Somewhere in there I stopped meditating, what was the point anyway? I stopped writing for awhile, didn’t see much point in that, and somewhere along this dark road I lost the trust I had in myself.
This lack of trusting myself has been reflected back to me in a couple of huge ways. The first was when my husband and I had a major breakdown in our finances. Used to having extra money, I kept allowing us to spend the way we had been when Ben was deployed, and then one day I didn’t have enough money to pay a bill, so I rolled it over to the next pay check. The next pay period two bills and so forth. I didn’t tell my husband for the first couple of months. At first I thought I could just fix the problem. I didn’t redo our budget until it was too late. For three days I heard, “go check the bank account” but I couldn’t make myself do it because I knew what I would find there. Playing the ostrich did not help me at all. By the time I looked, of course we were in the hole. Thank God for earth angels or we would have been completely screwed.
While going into the hole was a terrible experience, and a flashback of troubles I had with finances when I was younger, I have to say in its own terrible way it was a good thing. It made me stop completely. I got smacked in the face so hard by that 2 x4 that it took me a good week to get my bearings. This is a part of what I wrote in my journal just after this happened.
“Today I was slapped in the face. Today I was stripped to my core. It’s not over yet, but the healing has already begun…some part of me is altered. Message unequivocally received. I will pray that I have learned the lesson… I do not hate or fear the blow I have been dealt, I only fear I will not learn from it.”
It’s strange to me that at my most vulnerable point, at my darkest hour, I can still reach for the lesson. I wonder if that is being spiritual or just completely insane? The point is that the blow I was dealt smacked me into my senses, at least for a moment. I redid our budget, so that we had a true bearing of how much money we had coming and going. I also set myself some goals, something I hadn’t done in God knows how long. I reorganized myself and started again.
Then school came around. The first day I came home crying. Then the second, then the third, every day was one stressed misery after another. My schedule got changed, changed again, and then changed a final time today. The reason it got changed is due to the panic attack that I had at school. I damn near ran to the register’s office to change my schedule. All I could do was pray for help and try to breath. I was crashing hard and fast. I didn’t know how to get out. But I got out. My prayers were answered, things snapped firmly into place once I gave in and listened. Everything fit together perfectly and although I don’t completely feel the weight lifted from my shoulders I know it will be.
I was granted some time with my friends tonight. I have missed them dearly. I was concerned that I would turn into an energy sucking vampire after all the experiences I have been through in such a short time period. To save on negativity I have only mentioned these main two, but believe when I say it was ugly there for a moment. Tonight, my friends nudged me back to my center. They listened to my stories and offered sound, compassionate advice. They did not tell me I was stupid for the mistakes I made, nor did they in any way cut me down. Instead they gently turned me, as good friends do, to look at the brighter side. To find the light within, better to remember that the light was there and to trust it. We all go through things in life. Some of them seem life threatening, some feel humiliating, and some make us feel trapped unable to escape. I feel I have dealt with all three of these lately, but with just a couple of hours talk, my friends were able to pull me back. I am not at my center, but I am closer. I know that my center is there and that “this too shall pass.” I will find my center again, brush off my foundation, and rebuild. This time, hopefully, it will be stronger, and wiser for the experiences I have gone through. But the real point of this blog tonight is not to whine about my problems in life, we all have those. My point tonight is to say the words that I feel we don’t say enough. I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of my friends who are there whether life was joyful or crashing down around me, who are willing to listen, who will help without judgment, who pray for me, who lift me up, and who encourage me and support me. Without you I could not find my center. I can only hope that one day I will have the honor of helping you. Much love to you all and thank you.