Heart's Desire

Tasty Tidbit #1:  Alton Goes Big Time  

            Take a moment with me and imagine 2,000 bars of soap.  Yes, that’s right 2,000.  Let me just say, that’s a lot of soap.  I have been honored to watch a friend grow her business to where it is now, and where it is going.  Believe me its growing exponentially.  The word, unstoppable comes to mind.  Only because I forgot to ask her permission am I not posting her website address here, but I did want to give her a shout out.  I bow to your soap making greatness and smile at the thought of your continued success.  Have fun!!

Heart’s Desire

            Today was another one of those days when a casual conversation turns into a blog.  Earlier in the week I had been chatting with my friends that I was concerned I was repeating myself with this blog.  I was also concerned that I had run out of material, hence the repeating.  They dismissed that notion, but they are a bit biased, god love ‘em.  I kicked a couple of ideas around in my head, but nothing felt right.  If it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t make the cut.  Today however an idea did present itself.  The tough thing with this blog is that sometimes I want to convey an idea, or personal belief, but I’m lacking in the word department.  I know, I’m a writer, but still sometimes there just aren’t words.  I am concerned that tonight will be one of those nights when I write, full of enthusiasm, but short on actual words.  I hope the message is still received by those who are supposed to get it.  So with no further delay, I like to talk about your heart.  Not your physical heart, but your spiritual gooey heart.  If you haven’t noticed by now, I tend to talk a lot about vision boards, manifestation, and co-creation.  This is something similar to all that, with a slightly different twist to it.  Excuse me while I step onto my soapbox.  Shall we begin?

            I was in the kitchen talking with Teresa today about manifestation.  I was explaining a situation that I had just recently noticed.  Isn’t it funny that just by bouncing something off a friend we can come up with new ideas and explanations?  Anyway, I was telling her that I had gone to the Rosetta Stone website.  For those of you who don’t know, Rosetta Stone is a company, probably the top company, which specializes in helping you learn a language.  I love languages, and I love learning languages.  I was feeling that it was about time to practice my skills and learn something new.  As I looked at the list, I thought I should learn Spanish.  It was the language that stuck out to me as the most practical.  As I continued to look at the list I kept looking at French.  To those of you who know me that might be a bit funny, but the truth is I have always wanted to learn French.  I took French in summer school when I was very young, but choose Spanish in high school because all my friends took Spanish, you know the drill.  Inside me there was a tiny nudge toward the French, but I dismissed it because I thought, when would I ever use French, it’s not practical.  I guess I need to play a little bit more, if I’m getting that stiff-necked.  After looking at the French program for a bit, I finally allowed myself to accept that what I really wanted to do was learn French.

            Things started popping almost instantly.  I left that website and headed to another to look for furniture.  On the front of the webpage was a contest to win a trip to France.  I entered of course, and took note of the “coincidence.”  That it happened thirty seconds after I admitted what I truly wanted did not escape my attention.  The next day, I was walking through a store and I kept seeing Eiffel Towers and Paris stuff everywhere.  I was not looking for anything like that in particular, it just kept popping up.  It seemed like it was almost throwing itself in my path for me to see it. 

            I started talking with Teresa about it, because it occurred to me that learning French had not just been something that I was interested in doing, but was a true heart’s desire.  When I accepted it and aligned with that desire, the Universe responded instantly to that personal truth.  All of those decorations had probably been in that store the many times I have been there before, however, I was more consciously aware of them being there, and to me at least, it seemed like the Universe pulled those things to my attention to remind me of what I wanted.  I have never had a desire to travel to France, though I wouldn’t mind it if it was on a travel itinerary, which is another reason why I thought learning French would be a waste of time; however, the Universe seemed to be affirming that path.  At least, the path of learning French.  My question was why do some things seem to line up so quickly and others seem to take a long time to get to us, if they get to us at all? 

            I don’t believe there is an easy one shot answer to these questions.  I think there is a multitude of things that play into it.  After today’s conversation I believe that what your heart desires, the Universe conspires.  Cute, I know.  When it’s truly in alignment, when it comes from your heart space, not your brain, that’s when we have Universe in motion.  It’s not the only time of course, but it just might be the quickest.  There are two problems with this: one, we tend to think we know what we desire most, and two, we often send the Universe conflicting messages.  I believe the Universal response to my wanting to learn French was so fast, was because I was clear about my desire. I simply accepted it and moved on.  Everything else just fell into place. Now, I don’t have a French class lined up yet, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. 

            If, however, we are unsure or unclear about what we want, or we keep changing our minds, we aren’t coming from our heart; most likely we are coming from our heads.  But Sara, you cry, I have wanted this or that with all my heart for years and it hasn’t happened.  Okay.  You’re going to have that.  Like I said there is more to this than just simply coming from the heart.  There could be Karma involved, lessons, or who knows.  Maybe the aliens don’t want you to have a fancy car.  I don’t have all the answers, I just know that in the instances where I have come from the heart space, the Universe has lined things up, and done it quickly.  There are times when I think things take a long time to get to us, because we think it takes a long time to get to us.  That is another can of worms that we are not going to open tonight.  

            My point is that you have to get to the heart of it.  Get there, accept it and let it go.  Only then can it possibly flow to you.  If you spend all day moaning because you want to learn French, but have no idea how that would happen, or how you would pay for classes, or that it would be pointless to learn, you are blocking the Universe and yourself from achieving what you want.  If you’re not sure if where an idea is coming from, whether head or heart, check it.  Take a moment to be still and ask, is this a heart’s desire or is this just something that is a passing fancy.  I’m not saying that ideas won’t come to you at head level, but I am saying always, always, always, (how about one more just for kicks) always, check with your heart.  And who knows, vous venez peut-être le créer! (You just might create it !)  (Hopefully, google translator got that right, lol!)

Tonight, I am also going to do something a little different, it's good to change things up.  Though it might change, I plan on next week's blog being called Vesica Piscis, The Space In-between.  How's that for a cookie?  See you next week! 

Spiritual Supplements

Tasty Tidbit #1: Client Participation

            This last weekend was the Galactic Expo in Nashville.  I look forward to this event every year, all year long.  It is a full weekend of playing in the metaphysical playground.  There are readers, all natural products, crystals, candles, and healers.  Typically, I don’t get energy work done at the expo, for a couple of reasons.  One, it’s loud.  Two, I don’t want an audience to my energy work.  Three, I am particular about who I allow to work on me; after all they are working with my energy.  After a great reading, the woman that was reading me suggested that I get some energy work from the woman working in the booth next to her.  The reader said that she had watched her work that day and the energy worker seemed very good.  Being the good little spiritual worker that I am I took her up on her suggestion.  I went to the woman; let’s call her Rose, who explained to me what she would do during the session.  I heard her say she worked with crystals, and she had some sprays for the chakras that she made, but I never heard her say anything about sound therapy. 

            I got on the table, lying in the open for anyone who walked by to see, and she said a prayer.  She then said she was ready to begin.  My eyes were closed and I was doing my best to relax, when I was frightened out of my body, literally!  All of a sudden there was this WWHOOP!! noise to the right of me.  I shot out of my body in the exact opposite direction of Rose, running for the spiritual hills.  Scared out of my body, I immediately called on my spiritual team to protect me from this insane woman.  I just kept thinking what have I got myself into, but the worst was yet to come.  She started making toning noises, for one of them she asked me if I could make the noise, and I said sure.  After a few seconds of me not making the noise, I didn’t realize I was supposed to, she said, make the noise!  What else was I going to do?  I made the noise.  I feel that I am pretty tone deaf so I was afraid of what tone was coming out of my mouth and how many people walking by could hear it.  For each chakra she had an affirmation.  Of this horrifying experience I can only remember two.  The first was the solar plexus.  She started making a higher pitched WWHHOOOOP noise (I kept envisioning a pterodactyl coming at me, I kept my eyes shut as tight as possible), and then she said “I live my life.”  I guess I’m a slow learner.  I didn’t say anything, so she says, “I LIVE MY LIFE!  SAY IT OUT LOUD! AFFIRM IT OUT LOUD!”  So, here I am in the middle of the expo, affirming I LIVE MY LIFE, so everyone can hear.  The other chakra that I could remember affirming was the sacral, for those of you who know your chakra’s you may already have an idea of what’s coming.  She gave me the affirmation, and again I was slow in responding, but after a couple say it out loud’s I was catching on. So, I said the affirmation for the whole expo to hear, “I PLEASURE MYSELF!” 

            It was a great expo!

 Tasty Tidbit #2: Learn to Receive or Lose it in the Washer

            I have a hard time receiving money.  I don’t mind if I get money for my birthday or some other holiday, but I don’t like taking money even when it’s owed to me.  For instance if I go out to pick up lunch for everyone, I never expect for people to pay me back.  They literally have to hide it in my purse, or shove it in my pocket, or down my throat for me to take it.  After the expo, Teresa gave me forty dollars for driving both days and for the lunch that I had just brought back.  I was my usual stubborn self and refused to take it at first.  She was insistent and stuck the money in the pocket of my hoodie.  I never put money there, so it’s not overly surprising that I forgot the money was in that pocket.  Several days later I was in the shower when it hit me that Teresa had put the money in my hoodie, and I had put my hoodie in the laundry.  The same laundry my husband had just brought back from the laundry mat.  I asked him if he had found any money when he was doing laundry.  He said that he had seen a bill flying around the dryer and was going to grab it when the clothes were dry.  When the dryer was done he shook all the clothes out but there was no money to be found.  His guess was that it had been sucked into the big commercial dryer vents.  I could have kicked my own ass.  If I had just accepted the money graciously, and put it in my purse I wouldn’t have flushed forty dollars down the toilet, or in this case, lost it to a dryer.  Lesson learned. 

Spiritual Supplements

            I almost lost this blog.  I sometimes write my blogs when I go to the laundry mat.  As explained in the above Tidbit, my husband went this time for me as I had a busy week and he had the day off.  This means that the big yellow pad that I write my laundry mat musings on (that sounds like the fun name of a story or something, maybe I’ll name a book of poetry that title), was moved from its place in the laundry basket to an unknown location.  To add to the situation, I have been rearranging my meditation/writing room, so I had no clue where I could have put it.  I figured I could either tear the house apart room by room starting with my room, or I could write the blog from memory. Thankfully I didn’t have to do either as the notepad was kind enough to place itself upside down underneath my printer table on the floor.  I have no idea how it got there, I’m just glad it was there.  I guess I could use some Gingko supplements as well.

            Lately, meaning the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about going to church.  It’s not that I feel a religious need or anything like that.  Any church that I would attend would probably have to be non-denominational, not to mention open minded.  I don’t think I am looking for religion, but instead I am looking for spiritual fellowship.  Though I work at a shop where I get more than the average persons helping of spiritual talk, I still feel a longing for an even deeper connection.  At first the thought of going to church was troubling to me.  Like many people who are raised in religion and turn to a more spiritual path I was raised in hell fire and damnation.  My family didn’t go to church for church, we went to church because we were expected to go to church.  I remember I loved the music in church.  I loved to sing even though I wasn’t very good at it. 

            I loved the singing, but I was never a big fan of the sermon.  Number one, they were long.  I wasn’t a big fan of sitting still for long stretches.  Two, the sermons were terrifying for the most part.  Lectures on hell, the devil, and how God was always watching me.  He was like a mean Santa Clause.  He knew everything I did, and trust me I was on the naughty list, which of course meant that I was going to burn for eternity.  I would listen to those sermons and the visions of hell were quite clear to me.  I had and have a very vivid imagination.  If I messed up I’d be a servant to Satan for eternity.  At age ten, eternity was about my parent’s age, I couldn’t imagine being older than them.  I laugh now because today I’m the same age my parents were then.

            To me, God was the bully of the universe.  You better do what God said, give him your lunch money or else, and you didn’t want the or else part.  I wasn’t convinced that heaven was a nice place.  I didn’t see how it could be so wonderful with such a nasty landlord.  I figured my chances of getting into heaven were slim to none.  I might have been ten, but I knew I had already made too many mistakes to be forgiven.  I could see myself, covered in chains like the Marley brothers, dragging myself across the lava pits of hell, my skin burnt and blistered, spending an eternity begging God for forgiveness.  Like I said vivid imagination.  I was thirteen when my family stopped going to church.  We might have gone to a Christmas service or two, but the every Sunday routine stopped.  By the time that happened I had already stopped believing the bullcrap, and was well on my way to forging my own spiritual beliefs. 

            This new found need/desire to attend church caught me off guard.  I felt it necessary to give the inclination a thorough examination.  To be honest, I was concerned that living in the Bible Belt had finally gotten to me.  That was nonsense of course.  When I dug around, over and through the issue, I found it curious that I was seeking fellowship.  I was looking for a connection with a group.  Though I do get a lot of spiritual fruits from the shop it’s not quite enough to keep up with the hunger, I need a supplement.  Something to add to my spiritual experience.  I have no desire to go to church to be told how to worship or that I need Jesus or that God is waiting for me to screw up.  I do want to go to church for the community of spirituality.  My perception of God has changed greatly since I was a child.  God went from a hateful being, to a being of energetic balance and unconditional love.  It shouldn’t be surprising to me then if my attitude and understanding of church has changed as well.  Though I haven’t found an answer to the question whether I will or will not go to church, (I probably will give it at least one try), I am glad that the issue came up.  It showed me that just because you are on the spiritual road does not mean that you ever stop seeking the company and companionship of like minded people.  After all a road walked with friends is easier to walk, than the road walked alone. 

Finally the Truth

For those of you who might be curious once you reach the end of this week’s blog, yes I had my husband read it before hand. Now that I've piqued your curiosity, enjoy!

Tasty Tidbit #1:  Busy with Other Things

            So, I’m supposed to be typing out this week’s blog, but I find myself busy with other things.  For a change I’m not distracted by the usual things, like housework or a general fear of writing, instead I am distracted by writing itself.  I had tried to take a short nap when I got home from work, (my husband’s sleep schedule is still crazy due to his recent deployment and return), but as I laid there a story kept playing through my head.  I got the idea while I was at work, but I hadn’t done much with it other than make a quick note to myself.  Now the story was in my mind and taking on a life of its own.  I knew better than to just lay there, if I did I would write the whole story in my head and it would never see the light of day or the page.  I have a tendency to write my stories beginning to end in my head and then when I go to write them down I can’t remember the wording that I used, or a scene and so I get frustrated and let the story go to idea heaven, where so many good ideas go.  Tonight, even though I felt I must type out the blog, I felt I must type out at least the intro to my idea.  It took me longer than I would have liked, I was starting to feel the time pinch, but I did manage to get the idea started and I have to admit I liked it.  So, here I am now fully present and ready to share with you this week’s adventure. 

Tasty Tidbit #2:  This Stuff Really Works (Or Was it Gravity?)

            I am currently a patron of the laundry mat.  I have to say it’s not as bad as I imagined it would be.  That might be because I go during the week and at 7 o’clock in the morning.  When I go, I get my washers started, then turn one of the chairs that next to a folding table and set myself up to write.  There is something a bit hypnotic about the sound the washers and dryers make, it puts me into a slight meditative state.  This week once I got my chair and my pen ready, then walked over to the drink machine to get myself a bottle of water.  I put in two dollars, got seventy-five cents back, and no water.  I heard the bottle drop and the sound of the bottle getting stuck.  I’ve been working on my go with the flow zen chi centeredness, so I calmly walked to the office door (after slamming my palm into the machine).  The manager lady was on the phone so the Universe decided that patience would be Sara’s lesson for today.  I sat down at the table and decided to write out my experience. I had just started to write when I remembered something a psychic/healer had told me.  She had said that you could Reiki anything, which much I knew, but she told me that you could Reiki things with your eyes.  You visualize one of the Reiki symbols on your eyes and then direct that energy at whatever you wish to Reiki.  I thought what the hell, as long as I don’t have to stand in the middle of the laundry mat with my hands on a soda machine why not try.  So I did.  I took a moment to center and visualize, then I looked over my shoulder at the machine and visualized the Reiki flowing from my eyes to the machine.  I visualized the bottle of water coming loose and dropping out the slot.  I did that for about thirty seconds, my neck was at a funny angle and I don’t have much of an attention span.  I went back to writing about the experience.  It was less than thirty seconds, I had written about two lines, in fact I was writing about remembering the Reiki eye trick, and I heard the bottle drop out of the machine.  I turned around to stare at it.  This shit really works, I thought!  The skeptic in me wonders if it was the Reiki or gravity?  I would prefer to think it was the power of the Universe, but then isn’t gravity the power of the Universe too?  Either way, I got my water. 

Tasty Tidbit #3: Feeling Needy

            I’m not really a touchy feely kind of person.  I prefer my space.  I’ll give hugs to those in my close inner circle, but rarely to those outside it, unless there is no way around it.  I don’t feel the need to cling to my husband or anything like that.  Today I felt a nagging neediness.  When I was at work I gravitated towards my friends.  They moved and I moved.  I was conscious of it, and didn’t like it, but it came from a need that I couldn’t quite explain.  The thought that kept going through my head was that I wanted to be by people.  I felt a need to be sheltered in a way by the proximity of my friends and family.  When I got home, I was tired, but I really wanted to snuggle up with my husband.  I have to admit that my pride got in the way of that, and I made myself go to bed without the benefit of human companionship.  I thought I was just being stupid.  However, as I write this I realize that I was mistreating myself by not allowing myself to follow through on my need and for belittling myself for it.  Just because I am not normally needy, doesn’t mean that I’m not human and don’t have moments when I need comfort just like the next person.  My need must have sprung up from somewhere, though where exactly has yet to be determined.  I just thought it would make an interesting tidbit and give me an opportunity to *hug* all of you.  After all you can’t hug someone without getting a hug in return.  I know makes you gag a little.  Get over it J

Finally the Truth:  AKA    The Perfect Relationship for Me

            I’ve been wanting to write this blog for awhile.  For every blog that makes it to posting there are two that did not.  For the most part they are written down in one of my many journals, or yellow notepads, or on my computer and filed under some random title.  Others, like this one, don’t see the page.  I write them out in my head and file them away in my brain, either to be forgotten or to stew.  This one stewed.  And stewed, and stewed, for months.  My reasons for not writing this blog, or more my reasons for not posting it is a short but important list of personal concerns.  At the top of the list is that it involves people who might not want to be mentioned and might not be over enthusiastic about what I had to say.  My point in creating this blog was to be able to share myself and my writing with others.  Though I am more than happy to protect the names of the not so innocent, I found myself very unhappy at the prospect of censoring myself.  I went as far as talking to Alton about the situation.  Though no particular advice was offered up, it did bring the subject straight to the surface.  I knew even as I wrote what I thought would be this week’s blog, that I would be writing this one.  The time for the truth had come. 

            Those in my close inner circle, which now includes all of you, knew that there are troubled waters on the marriage front.  Seven years, four deployments and God knows how much time apart was tearing at the fabric of marriage.  I have no intention of going into further details, though I need my audience to have a basic understanding so you can understand my action and the result. 

            As many of you know, and I might have mentioned in past posts, I am a big fan of vision boards.  I used a vision board when I was looking for a new vehicle with fast results and exceptional success.  I tend to put a statement or affirmation in the middle of my board.  For my Jeep I just put “The perfect new or used vehicle for me.”  That was it.  I like simple.  I figure the Universe knows exactly what I am looking for and can probably come up with something even better than what I can come up. So I put the intention and let the Universe work.  What I have to say next is difficult.  I would like to say that I put my new affirmation up in hope that it would save my marriage, but that would be a lie.  I put up my new affirmation in order to let the Universe do what it will.  If I was to stay with my husband fine, if not, so be it.  That might seem harsh, but that was not my intention.  My intention is never to harm, or to be cruel or hurtful, my intention was for peace and for the highest good of all in the relationship.  My affirmation was simple “The perfect relationship for me.”

            I had gone around and around about how to word the affirmation.  I had consulted with most of my friends on the matter and it always came back to the same thing.  What was perfect for me, would be perfect for whoever I was with, that was my intention.  Of course, I know that no relationship is without its flaws, but I figured that the Universe was smart enough to get the point.  So, I put my affirmation up and waited.  It took about two weeks, which is a long time in my world of creating.

            The Universe is funny.  No, I didn’t meet someone, nor did my marriage magically improve.  Instead, I had a rather profound realization.  The perfect relationship for me was the one I experience with myself.  I realized that as I create a perfect relationship with myself it allows others to share that experience with me.  When I am centered and balanced with myself, when I am comfortable with myself and love myself, I stop putting everything off on my friends and family.  It comes back to those expectations again.  This time for some reason it made so much sense to me.  I was (once again) looking outside myself, and to someone else to make my world a better place.  I was awestruck by the simplicity of the message I was receiving.  Get happy with yourself, create a true relationship with yourself and everything else will fall into place.  I realized that by accepting myself and standing in my personal power, I am centered and open, allowing new energy to enter into my life.  That which is perfect for me is perfect for those who I share myself with. 
            I had been so caught up in what was wrong with my marriage that I had forgotten what was good about it.  I had also got so trapped in drama that I forgot who I was, I forgot my center.  The more off center I became the worse the situation looked.  That of course is when the finger pointing and the blaming starts.  Suddenly that other person is responsible for all the wrongs in your world and you can’t remember when anything was right.  With my newly remembered insights in hand it was easier for me to come back to my center once again.  It made things a bit easier when my husband came home from deployment.  Things are not perfect, and there is a lot of healing that needs to take place on both sides.  I still slip and fall away from my center, drama can be so alluring, but it is easier now for me to remember that I am the creator of my world, and that at any time I can come back to my center.  I can’t tell the future but I do know this: that the relationship I truly seek is perfect harmony with myself. 

Working in Harmony: The Creator and the Instrument

Tidbit #1: You Can’t Force a Tidbit

            I was sitting here trying to work out a tidbit, and the truth is, you can’t force a tidbit. 

Working in Harmony: The Creator and the Instrument 

            Here’s the question of the day kids, are you the instrument of the Universe, an object through which the Universe can manifest itself, or are you the Creator, with the capability of creating whatever you wish in your personal reality?  Are you just a pawn moved around by the Universe, your object in life being to listen to the Universe and move the way you are directed, or are you the master painter, the mover of the pawn?  The truth is you are both.

            I didn’t get that at first.  In fact, when these questions came about I was busy wallowing in self-pity about my situation and yelling about the fact that the Universe was not helping me one bit.  I was frustrated, tired, and on top of that sporting a head cold that caused my right ear to be blocked up with fluid so I could barely hear.  Frustrated, would be an understatement.  I felt like the Universe was pissing in my cornflakes, and had put ants on my toast.  Bastard, Universe.  I was flipping off a sign that said peace and wanting to punch the next person who told me that patience was a virtue.  I was stomping my feet, and sobbing my brains, all to no avail.  I felt confused and I hated it.  Here I was again in confused land.  I just wanted it to make sense, I wanted an answer, and I wanted it now.  I was tired of waiting, tired of being patient, didn’t I deserve an answer? 

            In a way this emotional explosion was a good thing.  It got everything out in the open and cleared some space on the inside.  On the other hand, I was so busy yelling about how the Universe wasn’t helping, that I couldn’t hear the Universe trying to help, until we got to those questions.  I was yelling with Teresa at the time when these questions came about.  We were, I felt having a spiritual break down, at least I know I was.  The messages were conflicting.  Go with the flow, be the creator of your Universe, which the hell is it?  I wasn’t in the place to figure it out at that moment, but thankfully the insight did manage to find its way to me.  I was trying to follow one path.  Either I was an instrument of the Universe and I followed the guidance I received, or I was the creator of my reality and I followed what I came up with.  I didn’t really get the fact that these two work in harmony with each other. 

            Here’s how the answer came to me, or at least my best attempt to explain it.  We decide there is something that we want to bring into our lives, for instance when I needed a vehicle.  I knew I needed a vehicle before my husband came home.  I knew that I wanted a low payment (under $300), I wanted a low interest rate, low miles (Below 50,000) and the vehicle needed to be no older than a 2005, really I wanted something newer than that, but wasn’t sure what kind of deal I could get.  I had a very clear vision of what I wanted, even though I didn’t know what kind of vehicle I was looking for exactly.  I knew I wanted something big enough to haul all my animals, plus some extra room.  So I had my goal, my vision, whatever you want to call it.  Then I started looking at vehicles.  I looked at stats, and vehicles themselves.  Jeeps kept popping up everywhere.  I took this to be a sign and followed my intuition.  When the day finally came to purchase my Jeep, I followed my intuition then too.  The Universe worked in harmony with my vision to create what I wanted in my reality.  I truly felt like my Jeep was created for me, it was just waiting for me to find it there on the lot.  I got everything I was asking for. 

            Sometimes I think it works the other way as well.  The Universe needs us to help someone so we are guided to go to a certain place, though we may have no idea why.  The other day I had two instances of people calling to me out their car windows.  Both women needed help, one directions, the other had been parked in.  If I hadn’t been open and available I might have missed an opportunity to be an assistant for the Universe. 

            So it’s not just one or the other, it’s a harmonious working of both.  I am both a creator of my reality and an instrument of the Universe.  The trick is to figure out which you are at the moment.  In my fit of being confused, I realized that the Universe was waiting for me to tell it what I wanted.  I needed to be clear about what I was looking for, just like I was with the Jeep.  In a way, it’s like refilling a Pez dispenser.  I had put all the candy from one pack into the dispenser when I wanted a new vehicle.  With each piece of candy that I popped out I got closer to my goal of having a new vehicle.  One piece was a listening piece, when I was directed by the Universe.  Another piece was a personal goal of low payments.  With the last piece the vehicle was acquired and the goal fulfilled.  The part I missed was to refill the dispenser.  Though I have additional goals, none of them are clear, so how can the Universe help me?  I was there for those two ladies, so that tells me that I am available for the Universe, however, I need to be available for myself as well.  I need to pick which flavor I want to put in my dispenser next and then work on getting to my goal one piece at a time.  I need to find a balance of listening and moving.  I listen to be inspired by the Universe, than I move toward fulfilling that dream or goal.  I need to check to see which part of the dance I am on.  Am I leading, aka creating something, or am I listening and being directed?  Neither outweighs the other, it’s just a matter of being aware of which step you are on so that you can move more quickly and effectively towards your goal or the cooperative goal you have with the Universe. 

            Sometimes we are inspired by the Universe to move in a certain direction and sometimes we think of something we want to bring into our lives and then the Universe moves to help us achieve that goal.  Something tells me that it’s all the same, but for the moment this is how I understand it.  I don’t see myself as separate from the Universe; I know I am a piece of the Universal puzzle.  Without my piece the puzzle can’t be complete.  If I think the Universe is putting ants on my toast, that just means that I am putting ants on my toast, and making myself very unhappy and hungry.  So I take the piece of toast outside, set it in the grass and watch a tiny army devour my breakfast.  I have to remember that I hold the power to go make a new piece of toast, just as I have the power to make new dreams.  The Universe really is a candy store, just waiting for us to make our selection.  We have to be clear about what we want.  We may not have all the details and that’s okay, leaving some play for the Universe is always a good idea, but it’s important to be as clear as possible.  Once set in place it becomes our job to move and listen as needed and to know which is needed when.  The only question is, which flavor will you choose? 

The Genre of Truth

Tasty Tidbit #1:  Life

            At exactly 5:01pm on Friday, April 22, 2011, Jaylin Avery Faulkner decided to join us on the physical plane.  By my calculations she was one minute late, but that was just because I had a bet on when she would be born.  I felt honored to be at the hospital when she was born.  In a twist of irony, I had been on post earlier that day talking to my doctor about different methods (i.e. pills and shots) to prevent such a miracle from occurring in my life, at least in the immediate future.  Though not related by blood, I feel very much a part of the Spencer, Feliciano, Fetter, Faulkner, family.  Which is soon to be the Spencer, Feliciano, Faulkner, Adams family.  I was as excited and proud of baby Jaylin coming into the world as if she was my own niece.  My first look at her told me she was beautiful, (thank God she wasn’t a troll baby; it makes things so awkward when they are).  The grandmothers and great grandmothers, I think there were two greats I was a little confused on that, all got a turn holding the baby.  My limited baby experience always leaves me feeling wary when little ones are about, but not being a blood relation or grandmother of any sort I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.  That is until someone, I think it was Teresa, asked me if I wanted to hold Jaylin.  Being the Gemini that I am, my mind split off in a hundred different directions and questions, all at once of course.  I’ll just give you the abridged version.  One, yes I desperately wanted to hold that little bundle of joy, lack of experience or no.  Two, I didn’t want to be selfish by taking away time from the actual family.  Three, yes I really wanted to hold her.  Four, I was terrified at the prospect of holding her; I wasn’t even sure how to hold her.  I had tidbits of information rolling through my head about supporting the neck, but don’t touch the top of their heads.  It was getting messy in my over thinking mind.

            The wanting outweighed everything else in the end and after a slightly tense moment for me, during the transfer of baby Jaylin from a grandmother to me, I stood rather dumbfounded looking at this little miracle.  I looked down at her feeling so proud of that little girl I thought my heart would bust on me.  Good thing we were already in a hospital.  I was equally humbled by the fact that I was allowed to hold her on such an important and sacred day as her birth.  I looked down at that little life and welcomed her into the world. After a brief time, the nurse was headed back to the room and I relinquished Jaylin back into the care of her momma. 

            A few days later, Teresa told me she had something for me.  She handed me a picture.  Had I known a picture was being taken I would have felt very self-conscious and worried that I was holding Jaylin wrong or something along those lines, but I didn’t know.  Instead I got a photo of me, smiling down on baby Jaylin as I held her in my arms.  A moment to be treasured.  I think it might be the best present I’ve ever received.

The Genre of Truth

            Sometimes life is just a bitch.  To be honest, since we’re going that direction, that’s not how I originally intended to start this blog, but what the hell.  When I first started college, people used to ask me two general questions.  What is your major?  What do you plan to do when you are finished?  Once I got answers to those questions, or at least good approximations of answers, and settled into an English major, and decided that my chosen profession would be that of a writer I started getting a slightly different set of questions.  What is your major?  What do you write?  When I set about explaining what I wrote, which was a difficult task at best, I usually got this follow up question, can you make money at that?  Oh, sorry didn’t realize that was the end goal.  I thought I was writing because I loved to write and I’m good at it.  I also got a couple helpful suggestions; my favorite was from a fellow student who is also a writer and a damn good one as far as I’m concerned.  He told me that I should focus on being a teacher or professor and just do my writing on the side, which was his plan.  I guess from an economical standpoint that does make more sense.  From a creative aspect it’s stifling to the point of suffocation.  I realize that you need money to live, pay bills and all that jazz, but I don’t like putting the focus on that.  I don’t want money to be the reason that I do anything, especially writing.  I’m practical enough to know that I need a job; however I am also smart enough to know that if I place my writing on the back burner that’s exactly where it will stay.  So I decided, mostly with the birth of this blog, that my writing needed to come forward, as in all the way. 

            When people ask me what I do, I tell them I am a writer.  When I bought my car and heard Jessica’s story, I told Mr. Moore, “I am a writer, may I have permission to share Jessica’s story.”  Being a writer is no different than being a retail clerk, or a phone operator, I know because I’ve been both.  It’s a job, a career, something I have to work at every day.  What drives me to the point of insanity, or at least it did for a long time was that second question everyone asked me, what do you write?  At first it drove me crazy because I wasn’t really writing.  I wanted to write, I felt the hunger to write, but I couldn’t drag myself to the desk to do the actual writing.  I was road blocking myself with passivity.  I love one of the dictionaries definitions for passive, 3. Not working or operating.  Yep, sounds like me.  I was stuck in that tar pit of wanting to write, but not sure how to make myself do it.  When friends suggested that I do this blog things started to roll.  At moments they seem to roll along much smoother than others.  I am actually writing, I have a deadline each week to meet, and amazingly enough I am making that deadline, though occasionally cutting it close. 

            One Sunday, I got together with a woman who works at our shop who is also a writer.  She has had several works published and is working on a book, probably as I write this blog.  As we sat in the coffee shop,(and I have to ask this, why do artistic people always hang out in coffee shops, is that like required or something?), we discussed some ideas she had at the moment for stories.  Then she asked me the question, what exactly do I write?  As usual, I floundered around for a minute, and then said I write everything.  She laughed and said “have pen will write,” yeah basically.  We spent a couple hours talking about writing, ideas and other artistic stuff and then parted ways.  I enjoyed my time and got a lot of good information, but something was nagging me.  I knew it while I was still at the coffee shop, but it grew once I was home.  It didn’t take long to realize it was the question, that damn question, that was driving me nuts.  Truth be told it was driving me into a funk.   The fact that I didn’t have a solid answer bothered me.  I felt I should be able to say, I’m a fiction writer, or a blog writer, or something!  Shouldn’t I know what I write?  I should know what my genre is, but I didn’t.  The fact that I didn’t, left me feeling like an idiot. 

            I funked around for a couple of days, and to those who are wondering yes funked is a word.  I finally decided that spiritual intervention was needed.  There was an exercise on one of my online writing courses about talking with your soul.  It was basically an exercise in just writing for five minutes non-stop, the only difference was that at the beginning you ask your soul what it wants.  I was feeling blue, and not particularly optimistic about the exercise, but I did the damn thing anyway.  Would it be boring to say I was surprised, because I was.  Turns out my soul just wants me to write.  Don’t worry about genre, don’t worry about answer other people’s questions, just write.  That’s the short version at least.  I decided since that exercise was successful to try a second one.  This one you just write a question and then wait for an answer, writing down the first thing that pops in your head without censoring it.  I decided it would be fun to include the conversation between myself and well, myself.

Me: What do I write about? 

I write whatever my soul whispers to me.

Me: That is a beautiful and somewhat fluffy answer.

I let the story write itself.  I just hold the pen to the page, God does everything else.

Me: Better, still fluffy though.

I like the fluff.  Stop trying to be logical. It’s not going to work.    

Me: But what do I write?  What is my genre?

Your genre is Truth.

            Needless to say I was a bit taken aback by that answer.  Who ever heard of the genre of truth?  Is there an agent for that?  I don’t know, but I do know my truth when I hear it.  I felt the burden of trying to cram myself into a mold lift off of me.  I had been attempting to limit myself, and my soul had given me permission to write whatever I needed to write.  I had permission to write my truth. 

Honor Your Body

A special thank you to all my readers for sticking with me!  I love you guys!

Tidbit #1   A Spell for Responsibility

            Just the other day I had yet another fascinating experience in the metaphysical world.  Two young women came into the shop looking for candles and/or potions to help them change their respective lovers.  They both told me that the men they were with treated them poorly, and they were looking for a way to change them.  The blonde in particular was focused on keeping her man.  He is apparently cheating on her, though living with another woman might need a redefinition of cheating and/or relationship in general.  The blonde woman said they had been together for three years and had a child together.  She said it was her fault for the most part that they fought, a statement that caused me to cringe, probably very visibly.  She did say that he started it sometimes, but if she could just stop bitching and nagging at him he would stay with her.  On that point, I very much doubted it.  The women asked if I could feel their energy, the women’s not the men, and given the fact that I had my arms tightly crossed against my chest and kept a minimum two pace distance in a very small shop, I acknowledged that yes I could feel their energy, I’m pretty sure everyone in Clarksville could feel it. 

            For whatever reason I was possessed with an urge to try to explain thirty years of metaphysical study to these two.  I compressed it a bit, into two categories, self-love and intention.  I explained that I could sell them anything they wanted in the shop. If they wanted a love candle, we’ve got it.  Crystals, sure, but the point I tried to make to these two was that no matter what I sold them it would do no good in trying to change another human being.  The only person they could change, or had any control over changing was themselves.  This was not what they wanted to hear, but that’s okay.  Blonde asked me if she used a healing candle for herself would that mean that her man, or excuse me but I have to say it, her baby daddy would stay with her.  Yeah, now I get to explain about vibration, expansion, and a whole slew of things that these women probably aren’t going to understand.  Still I stuck it out, explaining that as their vibration rose things that no long matched their vibrations would fall away.  That wasn’t what they wanted to hear either. 

            Dark haired chick who had remained quiet for most of the time, asked if they could be Wicca, so they could do spells on their men.  Oh goody, a whole other issue to tackle.  Not only did I feel like they were waiting for my blessing to usher them into Wiccahood, I knew it was imperative that I explain at least a couple basics to them about spell work.  I told them that you don’t become Wicca to do spell work.  Now, peeps don’t get your panties in a twist, this is my belief and my understanding, if yours is different congrats.  Yes, spell work is a part of it, but you don’t join up so you can try to bind someone to you.  The thought of the karmic connection on that one again had me cringing.  I explained that spells are actually the last thing you do, the last resort.  Once, you have exhausted every other avenue then turn to spell work.  I doubt that got through, but I did my best.  They decided to come to our Wicca class on Saturday, I figured I’d give the lady that teaches that class a heads up and let her sort them out.  She could probably do it better than I could, have much more extensive knowledge then yours truly.

            In the end each woman purchased a crystal, that’s a whole other story.  Blonde bought a rose quartz, and dark haired chick bought moonstone.  I don’t feel like I really got through to either of them, and I couldn’t help asking blonde at one point why it was that she wanted this particular man.  I asked if she thought there wasn’t anyone better out there.  She said she wanted this man, and if she could do like in Practical Magic (great movie btw), she would stab a bird through the heart.  I warned her what they also said in the movie during that particular scene,

“Be careful what you wish for.”

Tidbit #2 Quotes From Last Week’s Margarita Night

Some of these make no sense, some are funny, and some are stupid.  Doesn’t matter to me, it was a great time.  It was difficult to read some of these though; my handwriting wasn’t very clear at the end.

“That’s above my level.”

“He’s had a few Sanchez’s in his time,”

“What if it was a surprise Sanchez?”

“You need to chew that shit up better.”

“I have shit stuffer gnomes in my ass.” (They stuff corn.)

“It’s still talking or is that just God.”

“Spinxer Gnome.”

“There’s no “x” in sphincter.”

“Pancake tit.” (We have no idea where this one came from.)

Honor Your Body

            Speaking of drinking, yeah anyway.  As some of you may know and the rest of you don’t or don’t care (but you must at least a little if you are reading this J)  I’ve been on an exercise, eat healthy complete overhaul of my lifestyle kick.  Although this has been going great for me, I still find that there are times when I need to rest.  That may sound obvious and simple, but not so much.  I typically exercise twice a day, once in the morning and once at night.  I’ve gotten into the habit of putting my workout clothes on immediately after getting out of bed in the morning.  This sets me up to follow through and continue my routine.  However, there have been a few mornings, like today, when I get up, get dressed, but decide against exercising.  At first I thought I was being lazy and I was afraid missing might cause me to get off track.  Still the pull of resting was stronger than the fear, so I rested.  The next day I was back into my routine, it didn’t take any effort or convincing to get myself back there.  I was relieved to note that missing a day did not cause permanent damage to my progress.  That may sound a bit obsessive, but it’s so easy for me to start something, sticking with it is the tricky part.  I was impressed that the following day I felt even stronger, even though I had rested.  Then I began to wonder if I felt stronger because I rested.  Since, that first rest day I have continued to listen to the signals my body sends me about when to rest and it works out very well.  I’ve heard before that your body needs time to rest, but never took it seriously.  Resting to me, seemed lazy, but now I realize that skipping the rest stage caused me to wear out quickly and then I would need to rest longer and that was what caused me to get off track.  My rest days don’t appear to have any kind of pattern, and I don’t pick a certain day each week to rest.  I listen to my body and then honor what it’s telling me. 

            Listening to your body isn’t exclusive to exercise.  I take the time to listen to what my body wants and needs for food as well.  It’s not something you have to spend a great deal of time on, it’s just more of a quick “how about this?”  Many times I am drawn towards certain foods or crave them.  I love looking stuff up to see what nutrients the food I’m craving has, just to see what it is my body might be needing.  Most of the time it’s simple, like I’m craving an apple or a handful of nut nix.  Mmmm, nuts in my mouth.  Okay, my bad had to say it.  Sometimes I’ll reach in the fridge and put my hand on something and I get a sense that, whatever it is, is not what my body wants or needs, and I make a different selection, or if I just want it I eat a small portion.  The more I listen to the signals the clearer they become.  The other day I was craving fiber, yeah I know.  Teresa asked me if I was craving fiber from grains or fiber from vegetables. To be honest I didn’t know there was different kinds, I just thought fiber was fiber, but as soon as she asked the question I felt that I was being drawn toward the grain fiber, which made my purchase of some organic flax crackers (along with other assorted nuts and seeds) earlier that morning make sense.  In that case, I didn’t realize that I was listening to my body.  The crackers just looked good so I bought them.  Realizing that I was in alignment with my body’s needs both on a conscious and sub-conscious level was pretty amazing.

            If you are looking to make some eating or lifestyle changes practice listening to your body.  Hell, even if you don’t want to change anything listen anyway; you might be surprised with what happens.  Again, sometimes I feel like I want something that I would consider “bad”.  My feeling is that if I’m craving it, there is probably something in it that my body needs.  I allow myself to have a portion of whatever it is.  Note I didn’t say I bury myself up to my elbows, I said I eat a portion.  There are times when I am able to figure out what it is that I’m craving in the “bad” food and can make what I consider to be a healthier choice.  It’s important to note that I don’t believe any food is bad, it’s our abuse of food that is “bad”, really I suppose in the end it all comes back to choice and intention.  When we choose to over indulge, and believe me I have done my fair share of that, we forget how to tell when our bodies have had enough, (i.e. when we are full).  When I went through the master cleanse, not something I would recommend unless you are truly ready and you will know when you are, it was like a reset button for my body.  I was once again able to tell when I was full, and it took a lot less food then I thought it would.  I also ate slowly and added snacks throughout the day to help maintain my blood sugar levels.  I believe all of these things in combination are what have attributed to my healthy weight loss and my healthy life in general.  I knew the way I had been eating was not healthy, nor was it honoring my body.  We only get one of these, and they don’t come with extended warranties.  I could feel the strain I was putting on my body and I knew that I had to make some changes.

            I have had a lot of help both from the physical side, all my friends, and the spiritual side, all my other friends.  I don’t know if I could have made it this far without so much help, in fact I’m sure that I couldn’t have.  I had to make the conscious decision to change my life.  I knew it would take more than lip service to make it happen, excuses be damned!  Though I might occasional indulge and have a margarita or two, or two and a quarter of a half, I know that I am making good decisions for my body, honoring it in every way. 

Mirror, Mirror, Yes You Are!

Tasty Tidbit #1  Mama’s Got a Brand New Bag

            Well, maybe not a bag, but I did finally get myself a new computer.  Turns out there might be a reason behind all the madness after all.  Went to Best Buy after three attempts to purchase a computer from Wally World.  Truth be told, I was being picky.  I wanted what I wanted and I wasn’t going to be happy until I got it.  I’m happy now.  I wanted a white computer, something smaller, light, that my fingers could easily hit the keys.  I have my husband’s computer but the thing barely works and the keys are spaced so far apart, it was frustrating to type on.  That is exactly what I got and I am so happy!  Now I can start posting from home again, as soon as I get internet service.  I was starting to wonder if The Other Six Days was going to turn into the other six weeks.  Just thought I would share, more good stuff coming!

Tasty Tidbit #2 New Commitments

            Last week after a conversation with friends I realized that I wasn’t working toward my goal of being a writer.  Technically, I am a writer, but what was I doing to move forward in that goal.  The truth was nothing.  Yes, I sit down and write this blog, but besides that there was no effort on my part to further my ambitions of writing.  I decided that I needed to make a commitment to myself to write every day.  So I did.  I decided that I would write every day for a minimum of one hour.  Believe me, day two I was beating my head into the desk, but damn it I did it.  I have managed to keep my daily goal thus far and hope to continue doing so.               

Mirror, Mirror, Yes You Are

            This week has been one of those weeks when the same subject keeps coming up, and no I’m not talking about Charlie Sheen, although I think he’s my hero.  What makes this so much fun is the fact that I actually wrote this blog last Friday morning.  It just feels like the Universe is falling into line with me, or maybe we are just falling into line with each other, because every conversation this week has been around the same subject.  The conversations are technically two parts.  One part is about is that no one can make us happy; we are all responsible for our own happiness.  The second part is the fact that we are all mirrors for each other.  Friday morning I was feeling a little blue because there was a certain someone who I was hoping would read and respond to this blog, but the person didn’t.  Since making my new commitment to write every day, I thought it would be a good idea to journal out my feelings.  Better out than in.  Why not spew on the paper, instead of on some innocent bystander?  Anyway, one thing that I realized I have to keep in mind is that my happiness must come from me.  If I look to another person for my happiness, I will be disappointed because that person will never be able to fulfill my expectations, only I can do that.  It is unfair for me to place those expectations on another person, to me that means that I am not allowing them to be who they truly are, but instead trying to make them be who I want them to be. 

            When we complain about someone, it’s usually because we have placed our perspective or expectations on that person.  It may also be that we see something in that person that we dislike in ourselves, but more on that later.  I am not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t be able to rely on other people for support, but don’t rely on people to give you self-satisfaction or self-esteem.  These are things that you must find within yourself and for yourself.  No one can give them to you and no one can do the work for you.  We are here to work together, to learn from each other and to participate in each other’s happiness, not create it.  Let me give you a personal example from the life of Sara.  I love getting flowers.  It makes me feel special and loved.  Don’t know why, just a chick thing I guess.  It doesn’t have to be roses, hell if you went out and picked me some dandelions I would be happy.  Anyway, for a long time I found myself disappointed and yes, angry that my husband rarely brought home flowers.  Usually they showed up after a fight or occasionally on a birthday or anniversary.  Me, I wanted flowers all the time. So, I was walking through the store one day and happened to be passing the flowers. My initial reaction was the pity party, why don’t I ever get flowers; if he would just remember to buy them I would be so much happier.  My second thought was why the hell didn’t I just buy my own flowers and make myself happy, instead of waiting and wanting someone to make me happy.  I started buying my own flowers and I was a lot happier for it.  I realized that I was placing an expectation on my husband, if you really loved me you would remember to buy me flowers.  But that’s not how my husband expresses or shows his love, so he couldn’t fulfill my expectation, so there was tension and unhappiness.  When I started buying myself flowers and showing myself love, the tension eased and happiness returned.  The turbulence caused by my needing my husband to fulfill my expectations, at least on the subject of flowers, dissolved.

            The second part of this week’s blog is the mirror bit, and it ties in nicely with you have to make yourself happy.  As I mentioned before when we complain about someone, usually it’s for one of two reasons.  The first reason is that we have placed our expectations on them, and that person is not fulfilling those expectations.  The second is that we are looking at people and seeing something in them, that we can’t stand about ourselves.  Here’s another for instance.  My husband is smart, I mean off the charts smart.  But he doesn’t do anything with that super brain of his.  He doesn’t like school and he sort of drifts through life.  He does what he needs to do to take care of his family, but he has no ambitions, except to be a Wal-Mart greeter when he retires from the military.  It annoys the crap out of me.  Here is a guy with some much intelligence just wasting it.  Then I went to breakfast with some friends.  During the conversation, it was brought up that some people stay in school because they are too afraid to walk into the “real” world.  Yes, thank you 2x4 for that one.

            I realized, after that little breakfast talk, that I was exactly like my husband.  I’m intelligent, yet I don’t do a whole lot with it.  I am sort of drifting, and I really didn’t have any goals, not even the greeter goal.  I have been in school for longer than I will ever admit on a blog, and have not really accomplished much of anything.  I kept saying that I wanted to be a writer, but when I sat down and looked at what I was doing to accomplish that goal, the answer was nothing.  So, I guess I kind of had a goal, but no motivation or action behind it.  It wasn’t fun to look at, let me tell you.  I knew at that moment that my husband was a mirror for me.  I sat at my desk and made a list of things that annoyed me about my husband. That might sound harsh, but I knew that by making that list I would be able to find areas of my life that were stagnate and that need to be turned around.  Like I said before, if it’s annoying you about someone else, even if you don’t want to look at it or admit it, it’s probably the same annoying thing inside you.  I knew that looking at the list would be beneficial for me, not a criticism toward my husband. 

            As I wrote the list out, the mirror began reflecting like you wouldn’t believe.  I saw several things that when I took the time to examine them, were most definitely in me, not just my husband.  I made myself sit there and write out how I thought a particular thing was reflected to me and why and then if it was something that I desired to change, I wrote down different ways that I could begin changing.  I made sure to take it in baby steps; I didn’t want to overwhelm myself because that would defeat the purpose. In a way, doing this exercise brought me a lot of relief.  It also brought me a lot of clarity, not only about myself, but about my husband.  It helped me understand better where he was coming from.  That of course made me wonder, if he is a mirror for me, am I a mirror for him?  Even more fun, what am I reflecting for him?  He would be the only one that could answer that, but it is fun to think about. 

            So what expectations are you putting on other people?  What are you doing to make yourself happy?  I think people should make it a point to do something once a week that makes them happy.  We don’t often take time out for ourselves; instead we put that expectation on other people.  Look at your partner, your co-workers, your friends, what are they reflecting to you?  Are there things that you see in them that might be lurking in your own personality but you haven’t wanted to admit it?  Take some time to actually notice what the people around you are trying to show/teach you through reflection and we will all begin growing at exceptional speeds.